Arguments. The unwritten rule in the life of people who live together under the same roof. Arguments can ignite because of one small action/inaction, word/no-words or frustration. Over years of marriage, I observed that some solutions which have worked for me in wriggling out of or avoiding arguments. There may be many more. I will learn them eventually.
Respond. Don't react.
There is a big difference. Reaction comes with zero-thinking unlike response. When he says something which cuts through your ego and it brings up equally hurting words is when you have to drown them down your mouth. Take a deep breath. Step back. Listen carefully. If you feel situation is just blowing your head-off. Choose some corner of the house. Refuse to argue, even if the person comes behind you shouting all the way. Switch on mute mode. Take refuge in a place where you can cool yourself. Take your time. Choose your words. Give it back in a nice but firm manner when things are cool. ;)
Accept Manufacturing Defects
In the initial days of living together, there will be many frustrating things, which you may not like. You tend to pick up battles on that. Shout. Argue. Sob. But, you see somethings are inherent. They do not change over time. Wet towel will still find its place over the bed, wrapper of the new toothpaste on the wash-basin etc. Consider them to be manufacturing defects of that human being and accept that gracefully. And more importantly remember, you are also accepted with some such defects. Relationships are too valuable to fight over petty matters. Arguing over the same matter again and again is insane. It is like doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results.
What is right? Not Who?
You are frustrated, you pass some hurtful remarks and you get back hurtful remarks again. You are now offended. There starts a big chain of bomb shelling. Everytime, you are adding new layers to the argument, each trying to win and prove the point "I'm right!". Never have that urge to get the last word. Always remember, you are NOT arguing with your enemy. The other person may have a kernel of truth at their core in what he/she is saying. Take criticism positively. Be honest enough to see what is right, irrespective of which one of you is saying it.
Agree to Disagree
Watching old test matches of cricket has been an irritating issue for me. For BH, it is as enjoyable as those few minutes of a nail-biting finish. He tried explaining to me many a times, on how good a test match is, why it interests him etc. Finally, he understood, that I just cannot see through his perspective. Then he stopped explaining. Sometimes he gives in and sometimes he watches while I do something else. We just agreed to disagree.
POINTS TO REMEMBER!
- Arguments may augment tension if not transformed into a discussion.
- Let go of ego.
- Don't use tears as a weapon in the arguments. It will be an unfair game when your partner is in the ring unarmed.
- Ensure discussions do not become diss-cuss-sessions.
Wrote this post as I was thinking about ways of ending an argument I had with BH for not calling me or messaging me for 18 hrs when I was at my parents place! And there beeped my cell-phone.
"I now understand how empty God's house must have been, when He dropped you into your mother's womb. Missing you dear."THERE! I realized. I missed an important point to end arguments. LOVE.